Parent Zone

We should be grateful to others for being willing to ‘offer help’

Written by: Dr. Cheung Kit In this era, parents’ protection of their children surpasses that of any previous generation. This may be due to the decrease in the number of children and the improvement in living standards, leading to parents spending more time and providing more comprehensive care for their children. Under such (possibly excessive) protection, children often become very self-centered and disregard the importance of others. From the parents’ perspective, they are inevitably biased and more tolerant of their own children. When faced with their children’s inappropriate behavior, parents tend to make excuses for them. This common human behavior, however, may lead to children becoming unruly. Therefore, in the difficult situation of balancing right and wrong, if someone is willing to “offer help and guidance,” parents should be grateful. The following are “important figures.” TeachersTeachers are among the people who spend the most time with children. We would prefer teachers to directly point out the rights and wrongs to children during their daily interactions. This direct message can effectively “sink in” for the children. Sometimes, facing negative criticism, children will naturally feel unhappy, but it helps them understand the boundaries. Therefore, parents should appreciate the strict guidance of teachers and avoid casually complaining about their efforts. EldersMany elders may be very strict with their own children but tend to be much more lenient with their grandchildren, sometimes even more so than the children’s parents. However, the status and life experience of elders are actually superior to anyone else’s. Therefore,

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The most important thing in teaching children is values

Written by: Senior Early Childhood Education Consultant, Miss Mok Loi Yan In recent years, news of parent-child tragedies has become increasingly common. The root cause lies in severe deviations in parent-child relationships, familial bonds, and individual roles in family responsibilities. This results in resentment, blame-shifting, and an inability to combat negative thoughts, sometimes leading to the desire to harm others as a form of self-relief. Guiding Children on the Right Path Through Parental Values Although parents may feel heartbroken, they cannot turn back time to rebuild affectionate relationships with their children or restore the value of familial bonds. People do not have the choice to select their parents, so they must cherish the relationships they have. However, parents can seize the present moment to let their children know that they are the most selfless people in the world, allowing them to feel the warmth and tenderness of their parents. Since we never know when we might no longer be by our children’s side, the only things that can help them make judgments, prevent them from going astray, and resist negative temptations are the values and parent-child relationships taught by their parents. Children must understand that regardless of whether family life is smooth or challenging, it is a gift and a form of training. Through this training, people become stronger, making it an invaluable element of growth. When we witness the tragedies of other families and individuals, it serves as a warning to resolutely avoid following the same path. At the

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Encountering a ‘mismatched’ child is an opportunity for parents to grow

Written by: Lai Shun Mei, Family Dynamics Counselor and Global Career Developer When a child is born, people like to discuss his appearance, using his resemblance to his parents as a topic of conversation, and talk about which attractive features he has inherited from them. As he grows older and his temperament begins to show, they also like to explore whose personality he resembles. It is generally easier to get along with someone who has a similar temperament because similar personalities and preferences make it easier to connect. If a child has a temperament similar to their parents, it seems to make parenting easier. However, it often seems like God enjoys playing jokes on us by giving us “mismatched” children: an outgoing and lively mother ends up with a quiet and introverted daughter; a hot-tempered father faces a sensitive and sentimental son; a mother who doesn’t understand fun encounters a hedonistic son. Parents who seek help often share the common issue of having difficulty getting along with their “mismatched” child. They cannot accept the child’s nature, do not understand the child’s behavior, and do not know how to properly guide their child. The outgoing and lively mother “complained” to me: “My daughter dawdles, is hesitant, and doesn’t dare to make friends outside.” She couldn’t understand: “What’s so difficult about brushing teeth? What’s so scary about attending English class? What’s there to be shy about when meeting other kids?” Why is her daughter nothing like her but instead resembles her indecisive,

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Who sympathizes? A child’s voice

Written by: Family Dynamics, Counseling Psychologist, Shelly Mok I met W in a social-emotional group. At that time, W was only 11 years old. In the group, although W would “follow the crowd” and engage in some disorderly behavior, he was the boy who could best understand the emotions behind others’ actions. Moreover, he was able to proactively offer help when others faced emotional difficulties. After the group ended, his mother requested a one-on-one meeting with W. Since entering the fourth grade, W’s grades had significantly declined, dropping from being at the top of his class in the lower grades to around 20th place in the fifth grade, with the most significant drop in his English grades. The teacher reported that he had started associating with the naughtiest kids in the grade and often talked back to the teacher. At home, he frequently argued with or ignored his parents. I was puzzled as to why such an empathetic child had suddenly lost his way. During the therapy process, I discovered W’s inner world: He felt very lonely and empty inside: During the first one-on-one meeting, W expressed his willingness to see me and cried about his grievances and loneliness. He said that his parents only cared about his grades, not his situation, interests, or hobbies, and did not spend time with him. He valued interpersonal relationships: As the therapy progressed, he gradually began to share details of his school life with me, such as the attitudes and temperaments of different

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Stranger anxiety: Anxiety towards strangers

Written by:  Hong Kong registered psychologist, Ching Wai Keung When discussing the formation of attachment, it is not difficult to observe that children, from infancy (approximately from birth to two years old), already exhibit feelings of anxiety, including stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. These anxieties typically begin to appear between six months and one year of age. This time, we will focus on discussing stranger anxiety. Simply put, stranger anxiety is what parents often refer to as fear of strangers, and the behaviors derived from it are what we commonly call “recognizing people.” The intensity of fear of strangers can vary; mild cases may only show reluctance to be held by strangers or avoidance of strangers’ gazes, while severe cases can involve extreme discomfort or even crying loudly just from a stranger’s glance. Firstly, I must explain that under normal circumstances, fear of strangers should be seen as a positive developmental signal, indicating that the child is capable of distinguishing between caregivers and others. Parents should not be overly concerned. Secondly, an infant’s reaction to strangers often changes depending on the external environment, including the current objective environment, the stranger’s actions towards the infant, the distance between the infant and their primary caregiver, and the caregiver’s reaction to the stranger (Keltenbach, Weinraub, & Fullard, 1980). For example, if the primary caregiver interacts with the stranger in a positive manner, using friendly speech and tone, the child’s response is likely to be more positive as well (Feinman & Lewis, 1983). Therefore,

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Reconsidering Giving Up Seats

Shirley Loo: Reconsidering giving up seats I’ve always known that giving up one’s seat is a virtue. But at this age, when I see people entering the subway car, most are looking at their phones. If I am fortunate enough to have a seat, would I give it up? To be honest, if I see someone younger than me, I would continue to sit comfortably. However, if I see an elderly person, with a mask, white hair, and unsteady steps, of course, I would give up my seat immediately. The big prerequisite for giving up a seat, though, is that our eyes can’t be glued to our phones. Otherwise, we’ll miss these ‘opportunities’ right in front of us, right? As for being offered a seat, I have never had that experience so far. Probably because I dye my hair and move about freely, although I am close to being elderly, I still appear to be in the ‘no need to give up a seat’ category. A friend asked me, if someone really stood up to offer me their seat, would I sit down? Honestly, no. Unless my hands are full and I’m extremely tired, I still feel that ‘if you can stand, stand.’ This is probably the dignity and persistence of a middle-aged woman. This is your mother’s reflection on the issue of giving up one’s seat. Because I am in such an awkward position between ‘to offer or not to offer’ and ‘to sit or not to sit.’ Until

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How to deal with a bad temper?

Firstly, we must understand that it is extremely important for children to be able to express the emotion of anger for their development of autonomy. During early childhood (around two to three years old), the developmental crisis is precisely ‘development of autonomy’ versus ‘shame and doubt’ (Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt). What we should address is the behavior resulting from the child’s emotions, not to prohibit or even negate the child’s emotions. Additionally, anger is a common emotion, experienced by both children and parents. When children attempt to express their anger, they often model their parents’ behavior. If parents display anger towards their children, or if there is arguing between parents, children will use these behaviors as important references for developing and controlling their emotions (Bandura, 1977). Arguments between parents, malicious teasing, or even violence can heighten children’s sensitivity to anger and disrupt their normal development (Cummings, Pellegrini, Notarius, & Cummings, 1989). Therefore, for children to have a good temperament, parents must first pay attention to their own ways of interacting.” What methods can help young children better control and reduce the intensity of their anger? Berkowitz and Thompson offer the following suggestions (Berkowitz, 1973; Thompson, 1990): Ignoring offensive behaviors: If the behavior is aimed at obtaining a specific object (such as a toy), parents should not satisfy the child due to their behavior, nor should they punish them for it; simply not responding may suffice. Use of a ‘calm down corner’: Set up a quiet area in the home,

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Parental education, willing to learn and dare to do

Written by: Dr. Chi-Yuen TIK, Chief Executive, The Hong Kong Institute of Family Education In the journey of parental education, I love to listen to parents share their experiences and reflections on disciplining their children. Exchanging and encouraging each other is the most comprehensive content of parenting education. There is no place in the world that requires parents to pass an exam before they can have children. Everyone is learning as they go, realizing things later on, and gradually becoming “experienced” parents. Children have expectations of you, society has demands on you, and parents themselves cannot afford to be lazy, so they actively learn theories and techniques for disciplining their children. I remember a father sharing how he dealt with his son’s request to buy sneakers when the son was in the eighth grade. He told his son he would give him four hundred dollars. Naturally, the son felt it was not enough, but the father told him that four hundred dollars could buy a pair of sneakers, and if it wasn’t enough, the son would have to figure it out himself. In the end, the son bought the sneakers he wanted, but the price was saving his breakfast and lunch money to make the purchase. He said although his son was happy with the new sneakers, he also experienced days of hunger, and in the future, he would think carefully before making a purchase. The father expressed that it was tough for him to see his son go through

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Hot-tempered parents

Written by : Marriage and Family Therapist Rachel Ng Children easily become timid, reticent, and lack confidence when dealing with hot-tempered parents. However, some children may learn to solve problems in an aggressive manner, mimicking their parents. Obviously, both patterns are detrimental to a child’s personality development! Can parents improve their hot-tempered nature? Personality tendencies and life stress It’s undeniable that a part of one’s temperament is innate, which we cannot overlook. Just like children have different traits, some parents are naturally more sensitive, react quickly, and have lower adaptability. These types of parents, when entering the stage of raising children, often coincide with a critical period in their career development. Due to their low adaptability, they easily become anxious due to changes in the environment, work demands, and their own career advancement, requiring a lot of time and energy to cope. At home, the various temperaments of children and their growing needs already pose many challenges to parents. Therefore, parents who are impatient and have low adaptability can easily lose their temper, using it as a way to vent their unease and attempt to control the situation, hoping to restore order and reduce their own anxiety. Trauma from the Family of Origin Some parents are not inherently impatient, but if they experienced neglect, abuse, and damage to their self-esteem and personality during their upbringing, these parents are likely to perceive their child’s disobedience, tantrums, and other challenging behaviors as personal rejections, triggering their own childhood traumas and leading to

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How to raise children with a sense of security?

Written by: American Association for Play Therapy, Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, Registered Social Worker Chan Tsz Wai According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a sense of security is the second basic human need, just after physiological needs. Children who lack a sense of security may exhibit many behavioral problems. Without sufficient support to confidently explore the world, and without enough confidence that someone can provide safe protection, they may send misleading signals through problematic behaviors to express their emotional needs. Often, parents think that managing behavior more strictly will solve these behavioral issues in children, but this approach can backfire, leading to even less fulfillment of the child’s emotional needs. Years of research have found that a sense of security is based on establishing a secure attachment relationship with caregivers. Children with secure attachment relationships have a higher ability to regulate their emotions, solve problems on their own, have higher self-esteem and empathy, and possess better social skills and the ability to establish good relationships with others. However, how to establish a secure attachment relationship with children is a challenge for many parents. Understanding the needs of children Sometimes children need to explore the world on their own and use their abilities to solve problems, while at other times they need the help of their parents to regulate their emotions. Parents need to know when to let go and when to extend their hands to offer hugs and support, which requires careful observation of the child’s needs. Young children may wander

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